Asleep
by micasadia
Summary: Jean reflects on things. A self-hating Jean Kirschstein fanfic. Mostly reference to Jean/Marco, with a hint of Jean/Mikasa. Contains Spoilers! Rated M, just in case, for strong language.


Hey there, Lily speaking. uvu This is my first fanfic in forever, and I'm pretty rusty, but I felt the urge to write something; so, here it is, a spur of the moment story about my favorite character from Attack on Titan.

Sorry if I make Jean out as a huge dick, aaah, I just feel that the situation could go many ways. So, I chose the one where he instinctively protects himself.

I don't own anything for Attack on Titan, the characters and all. The only thing I have rights to is this story. y v y

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It was that time of day again, the time where Jean was left only with the noises of nature and his thoughts, night.

It had been a long day, filled with troublesome work and people that, honestly, Jean couldn't care less for. He certainly wasn't as enthusiastic about killing titans as Eren was, and he wasn't one for risking his life. Right now, laying restless in bed, was as peaceful as it was going to get. He succumb to his thoughts, riled up when he should be relaxing.

Awful thoughts consumed Jean's mind; _Eren. That sick bastard, always getting his way. He was such a brat, throwing a fit about everything._ His beloved infatuation, Mikasa, only had eyes for mister hot-shot Jaeger; though, there was that puny blonde kid, Armin, but Jean didn't even bother thinking of him as anything close to a threat. _What's so good about him? Honestly! I'm sick and tired of the bullshit he spews out of that fucking mouth. _All Eren ever seemed to do was yell at Mikasa, when all she did was care about him. It made him sick to the core. _Who treats a person so special to them like that._

Jean rolled over once more, having tossed and turned all night so far, thinking about how life was so unfair. His thoughts wandered to a certain freckled-face boy that once was so lively, but now only half so. Marco was all he had. The only true friend, if he could even call him that. Certainly Marco thought of Jean as a friend, but it wasn't for a long while before Jean considered him one.

Lonesome, that's what Jean was. He wanted a friend. Sure, there was Connie, but he really missed Marco. Marco would listen to Jean complain, never butting in and always so acceptant. Marco even offered suggestions to Jean, here and there. "Perhaps you should try and talk to her," he'd say. Jean would only grunt, saying, "that's easy for you to say, it's not like you have a crush on anyone". _Shit. _How could he say such things; he wanted to cry, but did his best to hold the tears swelling up.

_It's not my fault, how could I know! That bastard, leaving me here like this right after he confessed. What was I supposed to say to something like that... _Jean recalled one of the last times he saw Marco. Jean was on edge, confused, Marco had just said something. "What was that? I didn't hear you properly," Jean said, an awkward grin plastered on his face. He looked terribly cruel, the way his eyebrows scrunched up and those sarcastic eyes stared into Marco's. "Uh, haha, I-I," Marco stuttered, "I said I think I have these strong feelings for you... uh... romantic feelings..." he trailed off.

At that time, Jean didn't realize what a nasty thing he did. His whole face dropped and his eyes were shaded by his bangs. He didn't even look at Marco. "Don't joke with me, Bodt; haha, I'll see you tomorrow." Jean pivoted, quickly making his way away from Marco. He didn't look back, he didn't want to know what kind of face Marco was making. He assumed it was devastation; but yet the next time he saw Marco, he acted as if all was the same. Like everything was okay and nothing ever changed between them. It made Jean sick to the stomach. When he tried to bring it up, Marco changed the topic as quickly as this one came.

_It hurt. It hurt so much. _Jean wanted to hug him, to comfort him; to tell him everything was okay, and that Jean accepted him just as Marco always did. He loved him, he cared for him just as much. But his pride wouldn't let him._ Why? Why am I such an awful person?_

Alone. That's all Jean would ever feel now.

_Fuck not knowing what you have until it's gone. Fuck Jaeger. He knows nothing! Sure, he lost his mother, but fuck! He has Mikasa and all he does is treat her like shit! _Jean didn't really know if all his feelings for Mikasa even counted, since they could never compare to how he felt, and still feels, for Marco. But damn it all to hell, Jean would make sure that Mikasa would be loved. He would make sure to give her all the things he was too foolish to hold back from Marco. Or would he... does he really have the guts to do so? The courage to move on? The love to share? Would he even be able to get his feelings across? Since, she only has eyes for Jaeger. _Lucky Jaeger. Foolish Jaeger. Ignorant Jaeger..._

Jealousy, anger, loneliness, and self-hate; all these emotions welled up inside Jean, ready to overflow at any given moment. Who was he to think so highly of himself, what could he do. At this rate, he'll never be able to fall asleep.

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Aaa, gomen, this is all I'm gonna write for this fanfic. Sorry that it's filled with a lot of self-hateful Jean; aaa, he's a precious baby.

But yeah, first fanfic on this account, haah... Please, feel free to leave some feedback and tell me what you think about it. y u y

I'll be writing more SNK fanfictions, soooooo yeah! This was meant to be a Jean/Mikasa fic, but I wavered a lot, sooooo... TT v TT;;;


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